I want my life to be a Hollywood movie! Do you want to know why? Well, in the movies when someone dies, is seems that they stay near. They can be seen, you can talk to them, you can feel their presence, and sense when they are around. I often think about the little boy in The Sixth Sense that says “I see dead people”. What would that actually be like, what I would give to be able to see mum again. But, the reality is, my life isn’t a blockbuster film. I don’t get or feel or see any of these things. Not even a little flutter in the pit of my stomach or a missed beat of my heart.
Every day since mum has passed I wonder where she is. My head is telling me the logical answer; that her ashes are entombed in a granite cylinder in the beautiful gardens that she picked out. That’s what she wanted and where she wanted to be laid to rest. It’s what my heart is telling me or not telling me that I struggle with. I suppose it comes down to what I believe or don’t believe in, or what I want to believe in, my spirituality.
You see, I don’t feel mum around me. I thought that every time I went to the house and went into the sewing room that I would feel her near or sense her there, but I don’t. It frustrates and saddens me as I speak to others and they share how they get the feeling or knowing that their loved one is there. I want that.
I thought that every time I went to the cemetery and kneeled by her plaque and brushed away the leaves and re-arranged the flowers that I would feel her near, but I don’t. Every Thursday I would go there, I would sit and talk to the plaque like they do in the movies, but all I felt was – stupid. I didn’t feel her near, I didn’t feel her talking back to me. She wasn’t answering my questions or laughing at my stories I was telling her. After a few visits I gave up and now I don’t visit very often at all. This makes me feel guilty for not visiting. If I felt something else, perhaps I would go more often.
In the early days after mum left, I used to go outside every night (when I took the dog out for his nightly wee), I would look up at the moon and imagine that that was where mum was. She was the big bright light in the sky that I could look up to most nights, except when it was cloudy or a new moon. I would always say “hey mum”, but then I didn’t know what else to say to her. I think it was because again my head was telling me not to be stupid because she wasn’t there. After a few months the dog started taking himself out for a wee and I no longer had to go out every night; so again this Hollywood type thinking stopped.
Then there is Heaven. A place where you either believe exists or you don’t. I love the concept of her being there with her mum and dad, other family and friends. I imagine her having sewing and craft days with my Nanna, hanging out with my grandma, grandpa, uncles and aunties that have all passed. It would be like a family reunion. But again, my head tells me that there is no such place.
I have friends who talk about seeing butterflies and dragonflies and that when they see these creatures, it is a sign that their loved one is near. That they feel close and comforted, that it is the sign that they look for, what they believe in. Maybe I’m not looking hard enough. Maybe I’m looking to hard.
So my struggle is this; after 2 long years I still miss mum like crazy. I struggle every day that she is gone, and I struggle as I fight my own self to remember her. To remember her voice, things she used to say, jokes we used to have, how she looked, how she smelt, how she did things, her mannerisms and her stubbornness.
I struggle as my head tells me the reality of her death but I desperately want to have something in my heart that I can believe in. I desperately want to believe that she is a butterfly or she is the moon or a star. I desperately want to have a touch of Hollywood in my life so that I can go to her grave site and have a chat to her and not feel stupid. I desperately want to walk into her house and feel her near. I desperately want a sign that she is ok, that she is around the place somewhere close; that she is a spirit and not just a pile of ash in a granite cylinder.
Am I not feeling you near because I don’t believe in something or I believe in the wrong thing? What is it that I need to believe in? Do I get to decide that? Do I keep waiting patiently until I get a “sign”? I just don’t know.
So I will continue on my journey to find what I believe in. I know that I may need to change my thinking to find these things. I know that I may need to put my trust in another to gain these beliefs too.
I know that is is a highly debatable topic, but I would love to know that you think or believe in when it comes to the afterlife, souls, spirits and signs. Please share your words of wisdom with me xx