The First Beginning – by “me”

I’m “shittin’ bricks” as the saying goes!

I’ve written in quite a few of my posts about the “book” or manuscript that I’m working on and have been for some time now; and that I’m undertaking “The Manuscript Incubator” via the SA Writers Centre.  As part of the year long learning I have to submit some of my work to my peers and the centre Director for critique.  Eek.

Yesterday I submitted the first 3438 words of the very many that I have written.

I will be receiving this feedback in the coming weeks. I’m both nervous and grateful at the same time. It’s not everyone cup of tea to be put under the microscope, but this will be invaluable for me to get feedback to see if I am on track or way off track and out in the middle of no where!

The thing is, as I told you in my book review I did for Inbetween Days by Vikki Wakefield; is that my beginning is considered a scene to avoid.  Why, I can hear you all asking – because it’s a dream sequence.  Apparently in the literary world, books that start with a dream are “no-go’s”; along with books that start with a knock at the door, getting picked in a team and people getting ready to go out.  Who would have thought??!!

After I found this out and had a minor heart attack, I went about changing my beginning.  I now have 2 different ones.  The second one is still a work in progress as I can’t quite get it all to link, but I will get there.

This first one is the original that I wrote some 2 years ago in a flurry of typing, on the very day that I decided I needed to get this story out of my head.  I have tweaked and changed it over time; added and deleted words and sentences and paragraphs.

Today I want to share with you “The First Beginning”. It is the first 519 words.  Soon I hope to be sharing with you “The Second Beginning” 🙂

This is not the working title either, I have no idea of what it is or will be.  I will worry about that if and when the time comes that it needs a title.

I would also love for you to critique this for me.  It will help me immensely.  I really are a novice at this whole book writing thing!!

My story is a rural romance, set in a small seaside town on the west coast of South Australia.

File 27-04-2017, 3 06 01 PM

Beep, beep, swoosh. Silence. Beeb, beeb, swoosh silence.

I feel cold. The kind of cold that seeps right into your bones and hurt. A cold that makes you shiver and your nose run and your toes tingle. The room was cold, sterile and stark white and it had that distinctive pungent smell of death; even with the all the flowers in the room. David’s hand was cold and stiff in a vice like grip around my hand. His fingernails brittle and split and there was still dried blood caked under them.  His face was grey, much like the clouds outside.  His lifeless eyes open, staring at me, accusing me, yelling at me, hating me. The rain was still pelting against the window.  A methodical tap, tap, tap. I couldn’t stop shivering. I was so cold.

“Do not leave me. You can’t leave me. I have no one else. What will I do? I can’t live without you. I’m all by myself”. I was yelling at him, pleading with him. My voice shrieking and high pitches as I asked him each question.  I was getting hysterical. I couldn’t even recognise my own voice. Was this even me?

“I’m sorry” I sobbed. “I’m so sorry.”

A stream of light appeared across the hospital bed. I turned my head to the door where the sweetest face was staring back at me. It was only sweet for the shortest second.

“It’s all your fault mummy”, said Molly.  She stared at me with the angriest face. An angry face that I very rarely saw in the 5 years she had been on this earth. So angry her face was red. The red was blood though. She look so perfect, even with her angry, bloodied face. She was wearing her favourite pink and white polka dot dress and gold sandals. Her golden ringlets falling over her shoulders were soaked with blood from a deep gash near her ear.  Blood splatters added extra dots on her dress.

“No, no my sweet. Please don’t be angry at mummy, I love you, and daddy”, I called across the hospital room to her. She stared at me for the longest minute and then she was gone.  I blinked and the door was now closed. It was still cold.  The rain was still pelting the window. David’s hand was still cold.

“Please honey, stay with me, come back to me, I love you. Please don’t…” I pleaded, finishing mid-sentence.

David’s eyes blinked.  I smiled at him.  He’s back. Thank goodness. I’ll be ok. He let go of my hand and he pulled out his breathing tube, throwing it to the floor. He sat up and looked at me. Straight at me, straight into my eyes. This is it I though, he’s going to tell me he loves me, maybe even kiss me, maybe tell me that he is sorry for being such an arse. His eyes bored into me, those brown eyes that I fell in love with were looking straight into my soul and deep into my heart, and then he said “yes Erin, this is all your fault”.

 

So, what did you think? Do you want to read more?

I would love any feedback – good, bad or indifferent.

Feel free to leave it here, on the Facebook page or you can email  mybookjspeirs@gmail.com

 

 

2 Comments

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  1. Wow, Chook, I want to know what strategies Erin puts in place to deal with all this negative energy surrounding her? Of course, what really happened? Is there anyone else in her life? So many questions!
    I know nothing, but I like this beginning as a fore runner to all the events! 💜

    Liked by 1 person

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